How school psychologists and teachers can support students who have lost a classmate-grief (death of a classmate)

TIPS FOR TEACHERS 

Suggestions for Helping Students

1. Be prepared for tears. Crying is a normal and healthy reaction, even though it may make you or some students uncomfortable. 

2. Recognize that some students who are traumatized most by this news may be very quiet or seem to be in a daze. Be alert to this possibility and have someone bring these students to the counseling office. 

3. Send grieving students to the counseling office. A counselor or a teacher will be there to assist them. 

4. During the day, you may, if you wish, let your students discuss this event or allow them to write about their feelings. 

5. Just listening to students express their feelings and responding to the “hurt” is helpful. 

Supportive responses include: 

“I can see that you are really hurting” 

“It is very hard to accept the death of someone you knew well.” 

“I know…it just seems unbelievable.” 

The following types of responses usually are not helpful: 

“You will feel better tomorrow.” 

“Don’t think about it now.” 

“A friend of mine died when I was your age and I got over it.” 

“There is a reason for everything.” 

“Everything happens for the best.

● Remember that adults can make a difference helping students when they have problems with death, because most of them have faced the death of loved ones and other significant losses

● Listen and empathize. Make sure you hear what is said

● Maintain a sympathetic never-shaming attitude toward the student’s response.

● Respond with authentic feelings. It is acceptable to express sorrow to a child.

● Remember that ignoring grief will not make it go away. Research shows a relationship between antisocial behavior among adolescents and unresolved grief over the death of a loved one.

● Refer students for help when necessary. At times, normal grief may look like mental illness. When a teacher observes behavior such as unusual swings in emotions, moods, or thoughts that indicate a loss of contact with reality, it is time to refer that student for support and assistance. 

● Recognize that grief may last over an extended period of time. When grief is openly expressed, the first six months constitute the most stressful period. Recovery begins during the first year and occurs more conclusively by the end of the second year

COMMON STAGES OF GRIEF*

DENIAL: This stage may be expressed by feeling nothing or insisting there has been no change. It is an important stage and gives people “time out” to organize their feelings and responses. Children/adolescents may make bargains to bring the person back or hold fantasy beliefs about the person’s return. children/ adolescents in this stage need understanding and time.

FEAR:A crisis that results in death or a crisis that is the result of violence can instill fear in children. A child or adolescent might fear that their own parent/caregiver might die after a classmate’s parent dies. Children need reassurance that they will be taken care of during this stage.

ANGER:The sudden shattering of the safe assumptions of young people lies at the root of the grief response of anger. It can be expressed in nightmares and fears and in disruptive behavior. Children in this stage need opportunities to express anger in a positive and healthy way.

DEPRESSION: Children may exhibit depression either through frequent crying, lethargy and withdrawal from activities, or avoidance behavior (“running away”). This can be a healthy, self-protective response that protects children/adolescents from too much emotional impact. Children need to know that others understand and that all things change, including their sadness.

ACCEPTANCE: Acceptance of a loss and hope as seen through renewed energy signals entrance into the final stage of grieving. Before children can return to equilibrium, they need permission to cease mourning and continue living.

*Adults experience these stages also. Depending on individual needs, an individual, whether a child or an adult, may stay in one stage for a long time, move back and forth from one stage to another, or move through each stage in the order listed

POSSIBLE ACTIVITIES FOR TEACHERS/SUPPORT STAFF FOR LARGE GROUPS OR FOR CLASSES THAT (Student)WAS IN. 

DEBRIEFING RESPONSIBILITIES OF TEAM

The Support Team is responsible for setting up the debriefing for staff and students following a crisis. Debriefing should be done as soon as possible in order to prevent additional stress because emotional needs are not being responded to in a timely manner.

Objectives: Staff and Students will be able to:

• Separate the facts involving the incident from the rumors;

• Discuss their thoughts and feelings related to the incident;

• Understand ways that they might respond personally after theincident (nightmares, fear, trouble concentrating, headaches);

• Understand what the site/district has done and will do;

• Know how to receive additional support services and information.

Time: 

For students, take one class period. Additional classes may be needed depending upon the severity of the crisis and student response to the incident. It is best to do the classroom debriefing as early in the morning as possible. It is also best done during the same period school-wide so that all students receive the debriefing at the same time.

For staff, debriefing might take place before or after school, or at lunch time. As with students, additional sessions may be needed.

Materials Needed:

The Support Team should provide the following to every staff person who will be debriefing students:

• Incident Fact Sheet and/or School/District Response Fact Sheet

• Common Reactions to Crisis (Refer to the appropriate section)

• Copy of Letter for Parents/Caregivers

• Lesson Plan

• Counseling/Information Resources (on and off site)

If at all possible, the materials should be given to the teachers

the day before.

Classroom Procedures:

1.Share the plan for the class period:

Share that the usual schedule in class today will not be followed so that a discussion about (name the incident) can take place, including:

•Identifying the facts

-Separating rumors from facts

•Sharing thoughts and feelings about (name the incident)

•Identifying reactions that might be experienced

•Learning what the school has done/plans to do

•What to do to get help if needed

2.Review the ground rules: (Have rules written on the board, or write them as they are reviewed.) Share that the purpose of the ground rules is to make it safe for everyone to ask their questions and share their thoughts and feelings.

•Everything said is confidential (that means that no one will use anyone’s name outside the class period when talking about what was discussed). The only exceptions are if someone reveals intent to harm him/herself or another, or someone is experiencing physical or emotional abuse.

Classroom Response Discussion

•Respect one another’s thoughts and feelings.

•Everyone has a right to pass.

•Listen to whomever is talking. No side talking is allowed because it is disrespectful. Add any others that the students suggest.

Note: If any student exhibits difficulty at any time during the debriefing, allow the student to go to the counselor room. 

3. Discuss the facts known about the incident. 

1. Ask the students what is known about (Student)’s death. Having the students report what they know/have heard might assist in airing the rumors so that they can be dealt with immediately. 

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2. Read the facts from the Incident Fact Sheet provided by the Support Staff includes all the facts that can be shared at the time.

Ask if everyone agrees with these facts as discussed/read. Take time to separate the facts from the rumor. Any time a student says something that does not reflect the facts, refer back to the Incident Fact Sheet.

3. When a question is asked for which you do not have the answer, let them know that if there is an answer, you will find it and let them know. (Be sure to follow through.) If some of the students were directly involved or witnessed the incident, attempt to make sure that what they saw/experienced is consistent with the facts. There may be differences which can be explained. It is a known fact that when several people witness the same event, different, sometimes even contradicting facts are reported.

4.Begin discussing students’ thoughts and feelings once the students have separated facts from the rumors.

Ask if anyone wants to share what thoughts/feelings they had when they witnessed or first heard about (Student). (It can be helpful to you as the facilitator as well as the students to write the thoughts/feelings down on the board so that they can be reviewed. This strategy can also demonstrate how many different thoughts and feelings can result from one crisis. If possible, make two separate lists, one for thoughts and one for feelings. Give all students an opportunity to share their thoughts/ feelings.

If one student has a great need to express his or her thoughts repeatedly, it might be necessary to say something like, “You have many thoughts (feelings) about what happened. Let’s find out if other students had the same thoughts (feelings) or some different ones.” (This type of student behavior may also be an indication that he/she may need a referral for further assistance.)

Conclude the discussion by reviewing some of the primary thoughts and feelings. Point out if they were similar (to normalize the thoughts or feelings) or different (to show how people can respond differently to the same situation)